Jesus answered, "I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me." John 14:6 (NIV)

Saturday, August 13, 2011

The Upside Down Rainbow

It has taken me several days to write about the upside down rainbow from my dream on August 10.  I knew from this dream and this symbol that I would receive some bad news on the same day.   Most often when I have dreams, I know they don't mean anything.  It seems that they are usually a weird form of entertainment.  I am easily bored, so I guess I need to be entertained when I sleep also.  When I have nightmares, I often make a comment to God that I hope that they don't mean anything.

If you have been reading my blog you know that I have been working for an oncology clinic.  You know that I dearly love the patients that I work with.  Before I took this job I had not been working as a nurse for 3 years.  What you may not know is that I am an easily intimidated person.  I have very little self confidence when it comes to large responsibilities.  The point is that I had to build my confidence up because I was learning many new things and get back into the groove.  Just because you are a nurse in one area doesn't mean you know the entire spectrum of nursing.

I had felt that in the last month I had made great strides in the area of my abilities and my confidence.  I felt things were going much more smoothly.  Even my husband commented on how I had really started to like my job.

My coworkers told me they were glad I was there and would tell me thank you.

Everyday while I was driving to work I would pray the same prayer, "God you have to take over because I can't do this job."  You should have seen my abilities increase when God took over.   His hands are amazing.

The last time my supervisor saw me, we had a large amount of patients that day.  The other nurse that was supposed to be there was going to be late.  My supervisor was there because she didn't know I was going to be there, yet when the patients arrived, she offered no help.  I was rooming patients by myself.  So frantic and disorganized -- YES!  The added pressure was that I was told to room patients in 5 minutes or less.   Vital signs plus the questions we have to ask take at least 5 minutes.  Then we have to draw labs on most patients on top of that.

Anyway, on Wednesday, August 10, I had my 90 day evaluation.    Every single thing that my supervisor said about me was negative. Talk about completely blind-sided.   There had been no reprimands before that.  I was not called into the office to discuss anything pertaining to what was in the eval. 

Here is the short laundry list from memory:  I am argumentative and defensive so it decreases my ability to learn; disorganized and frantic; I interrupt patients;  I ask too many questions over and over again. 

Of course I am crying at this point.  Not only because many of my negative attributes are on the table, but also I would miss my patients.  There was a great divide between how I saw myself and how the supervisor saw me.

My boss asked me, "Do you have any comments?" 

I said, "I'm sort of between a rock and a hard place.  If I say anything or if I don't I'm screwed."

(My thinking behind that statement is that if I said anything I was either argumentative or defensive.  If I didn't say anything it didn't matter because what was done was already done.)

Yes, I agree there is some truth to each of those statements she said about me, but where is the other side of the coin?  It made me sound dreadful. 

The biggest problem was that they wanted me to work 2 days a week and I couldn't do that.  When I was at work I was extremely committed.  There was one day that I was so focused on my job that I forgot that I needed to pick my children up from daycare.  Luckily, I had called my husband to tell him I would be late.  So, he went to pick them up.

After my boss (who has never actually seen me in action) read these statements to me she said, "At this point I think it would be best if we separate because you are getting your little girl soon.  When you are ready to commit to work for us, I'll give you a second chance and hire you back." 

My thoughts:  What?  Why?  From what you just read about me, I wouldn't hire me back.

There were two great things my boss said about me in the conversation, "You are a child of God." and "You are a dedicated mother."

My spirit is at war.  My heart, mind, and soul don't understand.

I don't know why this happened.  It hurt a lot.

When I went to Bible study Wednesday night here is one of our Bible verses:

then the Lord knows how to rescue the godly from trials and to keep the unrighteous under punishment until the day of judgment,  2 Peter 2:9 (HCSB)

I'm not saying that anyone in particular is ungodly.  I am saying that I need rescued from this pain.

“For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.” Ephesians 2:10

God placed me in that job, but he also took me out of it.  Unfortunately, I was not spared the pain.

Neither was Jesus.

1 comment:

  1. Powerful post....thank you for sharing. And you are so right, God put you there for a reason and took you out of it too...all part of HIS PLAN for you! Praise God that you can SEE that and KNOW that HE will never leave you.