I want to give a shout out to Jerusha and her Janet. I am sure you aren't alone. THANK you for your transparency.
As many adoptive parents will tell you. . . adoption is hard. Parenting is hard, but adoption adds many more aspects to parenting.
There are days where my daughter is so happy and content. Then there are those days where it is almost like she is daring me to love her. If I do XYZ will you love me? How about now, how about now? If I do XYZ will you leave me or send me somewhere else? Do I really want to invest my love into you because you might break my heart like my last 3 caregivers did.
There are times when I don't like her attitude. I don't like her repeating, "COFFEE." for the tenth time because it takes me more than a minute to make it. AND I can't stand it when she makes this screaming sound that I can't even spell out for you because I don't know how. This is not because she's adopted, these are feelings I have had toward the other children also. Those things that drive parents crazy. My point is that she can make me so crazy, YET, when she puts her little hand in mine or looks up, hugs me, and says, "Love You," it melts my heart. She's seen me ugly and still loves on me. Parenting sometimes isn't the touchy feely kind, but the agape kind. I love you, no matter what.
The way God shows us HIS love.
She's a toddler, but she still needs to learn to trust us as a family.
I am so much like my daughter that I feel bad for her. In God's eyes I must look like such a toddler. SO STUBBORN. As an adopted child into His family, I too have to learn to continue to TRUST HIM.
It seems to me that since about November I have been too busy focusing on human things and not on God things. I feel as if I am on autopilot and going through the motions of life, but not LIVING.
Of course sleep deprivation from lots of sickness might have something to do with that too.
We are adjusting to our added family member, but sometimes it feels as if I'm drowning. Drowning in doubt, worry, stress, negative attitude and anger. I am overstimulated. Sometimes it is hard to find quiet. And then when I do find quiet, the guilt follows.
I've been stale. I haven't taken the time to do my Bible studies or read my Bible since the middle of November. I don't want to be stale anymore. I want to seek the Father and be rejuvenated and revived. I'd like to also help to revive others.
I have been so stale that I have even stopped writing if you've noticed. I find joy in writing. I may not be as good at writing as others, but I have found that when I write, I can look back and see the miracles that God has performed. On my darkest days internally have been the best days of writing because that has been when I have needed/sought God the most.
I want to make plans, but then this is what God speaks to me today:
"The LORD foils the plans of the nations;
he thwarts the purposes of the peoples.
But the plans of the LORD stand firm forever,
the purposes of his heart through all generations." Psalm 33:10-11
I need to continue to listen for His plans. I need to TRUST HIM.
I want to take a moment to pray for all of the parents that are in the adoption process through South Korea at this time. Waiting for a child to come home is one of the hardest things I've done in my life. The wait has increased from a little over 4 months to close to 1 yearor 1 year + . We waited a little over 7 months after seeing her face and one year from the time that we applied to the program. Our wait will now be considered extremely short.
ALMIGHTY FATHER, I know that you have YOUR plans and YOUR purpose in mind. May the adoptive parents find peace and comfort in YOUR hands. Your purpose will prevail. Please help them to see that if they seek YOU, they will find what they seek. Help the parents to not lose hope. Hope is all they have to cling to. In JESUS, AMEN.