Sometimes it is difficult to express what you are going through with words. This morning I am searching for possible songs to sing to the Lord in front of my church. Here are some words from the song "Breath of Heaven (Mary's Song)", which is sung by Amy Grant (and surely other artists, but she is the one that I was looking at). This song describes very well what I am feeling and going through.
Here are the first part of the lyrics minus the end chorus x2 with my words in purple surrounded by parentheses:
I have traveled many moonless nights (Oh, how many sleepless nights I have already had filled with worry and darkness.)
Cold and weary with a babe inside (Not a baby inside my womb, but in my heart.)
And I wonder what I have done (What an honor that He chose us for this path. I feel so unworthy, yet glorified because my God is glorified.)
Holy Father, You have come
And chosen me to carry Your son (Of course Mary was pregnant with Jesus, but I have been chosen to carry this child in my heart and some day in my arms. I will be able to show this child love because God loved me first.)
I am waiting in a silent prayer (Only God understands adoption more than anyone here on earth. And only other adoptive parents understand this wait.)
I am frightened by the load I bear (Oh, YES God Almighty.)
In a world as cold as stone
Must I walk this path alone? (Sometimes it feels that way, even though we aren't alone. It is our journey to travel alone. No one experiences it the same.)
Be with me now, be with me now (DAILY, I beg for this.)
Breath of Heaven, hold me together
Be forever near me, Breath of Heaven
Breath of Heaven, lighten my darkness
Pour over me your holiness, for you are Holy
Breath of Heaven (All that I ask is that I am pleasing to Him.)
Do you wonder as you watch my face
If a wiser one should have had my place?
But I offer all I am (ALL, I AM.)
For the mercy of Your plan
Help me be strong, help me be, help me
I have tears in my eyes even now as I reread and write. God is so merciful and wonderful.
Romans 8:30 And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.